Last Thought Before the Bomb Hits: “Gee, I Wish Obama Had Encouraged Democracy in Iran.”

Here is a transcript of Obama’s characteristically impotent, equivocal, dissembling statement tonight (he’s not looking too good: it’s tough having a real job and a bunch of secret service guys following you around so that you can’t engage in naughty behavior, isn’t it?). I also offer a translations of a few of the more obscure points made by our erudite ex-crackhead-in-chief:

Obviously all of us have been watching the news from Iran. And I want to start off by being very clear that it is up to Iranians to make decisions about who Iran’s leaders will be, that we respect Iranian sovereignty, and want to avoid the United States being the issue inside of Iran, which, sometimes the United States can be a handy political football, or discussions with the United States.

The United States will not stand up for freedom and the rule of law. The United States will not insist on fair and accurate elections in Iran.

Having said all that, I am deeply troubled by the violence that I have been seeing on television. I think that the democratic process, free speech, the ability of people to peacefully dissent, all those are universal values and need to be respected, and whenever I see violence perpetrated on people who are peacefully dissenting, and whenever the American people see that, I think they’re rightfully troubled.

Having stated that we will do nothing, will say nothing, I am paying lip service to the violence my handlers tell me is taking place. Yadda, yadda, yadda, the democratic process, free speech, peaceful dissent, those are all very big, very vague things that people generally think are a good idea (they’re certainly not concrete enumerated rights, the exercise or suppression of which can be quantified under the law, and they’re certainly not important enough to actually do anything about). But I’m telling you that I’m troubled, and since, as any credible journalist will tell you, I am god-like, that should sufficiently impress you with how far out of my way I’m going.

My understanding is, is that the Iranian government says they are going to look into irregularities that have taken place. We weren’t on the ground, we did not have observers there, we did not have international observers on hand, so I can’t state definitively what happened with respect to the election.

Look, the dictator who’s ordering his thugs to beat and shoot you for protesting his rigged election has told me that he’s gonna look into it, ok? This isn’t my problem.

But what I can say is that there appears to be a sense on the part of people who were so hopeful and so engaged and so committed to democracy who now feel betrayed. And I think it’s important that, moving forward, whatever investigations take place are done in a way that is not resulting in bloodshed and is not resulting in people being stifled in expressing their views.

Yes, I get this sense, by the manner in which millions of people are pouring out onto the streets to be beaten and shot, crying “Down with the dictator” and “Give us back Iran,” and risking their lives to throw sticks and rocks at armed militia, I get this sense from this that there’s some sort of controversy going on, that they’re not happy. And I have a message for these people and their cries for justice: Go home. Just go home. Let’s make sure that, whatever fake investigations your dictator is going to pretend he’s carrying out, that they’re done without bloodshed, because frankly this is a pain in the ass for me. I’ve got a former NBA star to take care of.

Now. With respect to the United States and our interactions with Iran, I have always believed that, as odious as I consider some of President Ahmadinejad’s statements, as deep as the differences that exist between the United States and Iran on a range of core issues, that the use of tough, hard-headed diplomacy, diplomacy with no illusions about Iran and the nature of the differences between our two countries, is critical when it comes to pursuing a core set of our national security interests. Specifically, making sure that we are not seeing a nuclear arms race in the Middle East triggered by Iran obtaining a nuclear weapon, making sure that Iran’s not exporting terrorist activity. Those are core interests not just to the United States, but I think to a peaceful world in general. We will continue to pursue a tough direct dialogue between our two countries and will see where it takes us.

Hey! Ahmadi! Call me! We’ll talk.

But even as we do so I think it would be wrong for me to be silent about what we’ve seen on the television over the last few days.

Yeah, despite the urging of everybody and his brother for me to be silent on Iran (pay no attention to the man behind the curtain), I’m going to speak out about what David Axelrod has told me he’s seen on television. See? This is me speaking out.

What I would say to those people who put so much hope and energy and optimism into the political process, I would say to them that the world is watching and inspired by their participation, regardless of what the ultimate outcome of the election was.

Ok, guys, you’ve made your point. You got our attention. It was inspiring, it was cool, some things got burned, some things got trashed, we realized that Iranian women are really hot (probably like more hot because of the veil), and that video of armed forces retreating before a crowd armed with bricks was pretty cool, but party over. Anyway, good job. Whether you actually receive a fair and free election is really beside the point at this stage, I’m sure you agree. What’s important is that you came out, you rocked it, you made yourselves heard. Good show.

And they should know that the world is watching. And particularly to the youth of Iran, I want them to know that we in the United States do not want to make any decisions for the Iranians, but we do believe that the Iranian people and their voices should be heard and respected. Ok.

Yeah, I just want to address this because I know that the Iranian youth are really concerned that the United States is going to offer any sort of resistance to the will of Iran’s wackjob dictator, and I just want to assure you that no, that we won’t. The Iranian people and their voices will be heard and respected through their duly elected leader, as long as that leader is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.